Have you ever caught yourself labeling yourself in a negative way? I did that this weekend. It has been a struggle for me, even after all these years. I had gastric bypass almost 6 years ago. It seems like yesterday and yet, other times it feels like it’s been a lifetime.
I used to be about 160 pounds heavier than I am now and very inactive. I was one who would drive around the parking lot and wait for someone to leave so I could park closer. It was more than that though. I would actually think about every step I had to take. It consumed me. I remember Christmas shopping being a nightmare. I could never find a spot close enough and then, I knew if there was more than one store I had to go to, I would have to walk too far. I hated walking, let alone exercising. That was completely out of the question.
Even after the bypass I wasn’t very good with activity. It became a lot easier and I did it but I didn’t like it. I used to roller skate when I was young, EVERY DAY, sometimes for 8 hours total. It wasn’t as if I always hated exercise.
I seem to fall back into the same patterns as before the bypass at times. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t eat like I used to, but I find myself eating too much for my body to handle at times. I know better. I also find myself getting complacent, lazy. This is where it gets bad. I am very big into teaching others the benefit of watching their self-talk and staying positive and being good to themselves but I seem to forget to take my own advice sometimes.
This weekend my husband and I went to Killington Mountain. I’ve been upset all week about it. Allow me to explain; two weeks ago, he and I participated in the Spartan Sprint at the mountain. This was our second Spartan this year, having finished the one in Amesbury just a month prior. The Killington one took us twice as long, as we climbed the black diamond to the crest and watched every step back down. Somewhere just after the 3 mile mark, in the woods, my left foot slid in deep mud and I landed on my left knee and it bent the wrong way. I made it out of the woods and through another section, determined to finish. We got as far the last water station before I was transported back to the medical tent. So close. “NEVER AGAIN,” I said, “NEVER!” (I said this about the previous Spartan Sprint 6 weeks prior but, there I was.)
Diagnosis: sprained knee. But what did I want to do for my birthday? Go back and hike an easier trail at Killington. For my birthday!! Who am I? I had to laugh. I am the one who calls myself lazy, still, out of habit, after all these years. I am the purple belt kick boxer who has been having withdrawls from not being able to go because of my sprained knee. I am the one who went to the gym Friday to use the elliptical to try to loosen up my knee to see if there was any way I could still hike on Saturday.
We arrived at the base of the mountain on Saturday and I limped up to the counter and, being mad at myself, ordered 2 round trip tickets for the gondola ride so we could at least enjoy the colors of the leaves and the scenery from the crest that we saw during the race that we were unable to take pictures of. I could see the trail to the right of us that we had planned to take as we took the 10 minute ride to the top. The view was breathtaking. As we neared the top, the mist settled over the mountain and the view was no longer clear. By the time we got off the gondola my stubbornness had kicked in and that was it. We were hiking back down the mountain.
It wasn’t as easy as I envisioned in my head and I was grateful for that. There were a great number of times I looked at the steps I needed to take in front of me and wondered how I would get to where I needed to be without falling or slipping again. My fear of falling was intense at times, as was the pain in my knee in the beginning. But I took baby steps where I need to and we made it to the bottom. My knee popped several times and I’m not sure why but by the end, it no longer hurt.
My calves and thighs were stiff this morning but I don’t have any regrets. I’m glad I did it. It was my birthday present to myself. So, what is my point with this story? Why did I just bare my soul for all to read? Because I came to the realization that we tell ourselves things all the time that are not true about ourselves. I’m not a lazy person anymore. Sure, I have my moments and I make excuses at times when I shouldn’t; that doesn’t make me lazy, especially on the scale of where I used to be. So why am I so hard on myself? Why do I choose to see myself that way? Perhaps it’s habitual. I told myself that for so many years that it just carried over. So, now that I’ve realized that I do it, imagine what I could do now that I no longer believe it? If I have come this far, I could definitely go further, and I intend to.
How well do you know yourself? What things are you telling yourself that need to be reevaluated? What do you believe about yourself that could use a mental makeover? Consider what you say to yourself. Listen. You could be completely wrong. What you believe about yourself is up to you. The choice is yours. Stay the same or change it? It’s up to you. Be kind.
You can check out other inspiring posts here that will cause you to think, decrease your stress and increase happiness. You can also check out my other blog site, Where The Ghosts Live – by Missy Bell.
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